She avoids the blame … I think the pain of responsibility is too much for her to bare, which makes me very sympathetic, but at the same time angry, because she represented herself as a strong, just person, and I thought I had a few things to learn from her. In the end it was just a lie to cover up her insecurities and protect herself. And the most painful part is that there is nothing I can do for her in that regard. It’s a very protected wall that surrounds her and keeps everyone else out.
I did learn something, however. For the first time, I loved her, really truly just loved her, I let go of my fears completely, and didn’t keep “one toe on the shore”. I realized that it doesn’t hurt as much to lose that kind of love — it hurts — but I know I did it completely and without reproach.
I feel empathy for her. Because I was there at some point in my past, so protective, so vulnerable that I couldn’t allow others into my experience. It’s probably the commonality that made me like her in the first place. I’m just not that person anymore, and I’ve been hurt by that person, so I am having a hard time seeing it through her eyes. She feels completely justified (while perhaps conflicted) in her response, and for good reason, because she’s reacting with the only instincts she’s ever really known. For her to see it my way would have required her to transcend those instincts which are so deeply rooted. It may be painful for me, but it’s unfair for me to expect that she could do that in one fell swoop.
I have lost another game of love, but the score was close, and my heart was in it.
Posted by Jocko
Posted by Jocko
Posted by Jocko